A love letter from East to West

5 September, 1999

Dear Sahar

I am very sorry for the late replay its due to having a lot of issues and problems. I send you a few sms from New York air port but latter on i found out that they didn’t go through to you which made me really angry and upset. Any ways this is what the messages said “Sahar I love you”. “Just boarding the plan wish me luck”. “Bye for now my gorguz Sahar”.

There are a lots been happening in here since i got here. I haven’t seen the city yet haven’t been out of the house, don’t see much people and talk to anyone much either. Im under so much pressure and stress at the moment that i wish i was never born in the first place Sahar. I got really sick twice so far in my life that my death was almost there but somehow it didn’t happened and i always hoped it was for good use in the future but so far that’s not true and i wish the first time i got sick i was dead.

I typed this letter 10 times for the past few days and deleted 10 times. I just can’t think of what to say or what to write. I can’t think straight or neither does my brain work. Sometimes it feels like im not even alive and i am living a life just like it is in the computer game.

When you are a baby you cry almost every day and almost most of the times during that time but when you grow up you tell yourself that you won’t cry again. Well the past week since i left NY its been like living in hell and i been crying more than i was a baby nonstop. Food has been like eating poison and don’t even know if I’m eating food or it’s just nothing.

I board the plan and landed in Kabul air port and there was a group of our relatives waiting for us to meet us. Any how we went home and had tea with relatives around us talking and asking questions about America and stuff when suddenly when one of the people congratulated me about engagements and i was shocked and was like thank you but you got the wrong person, it might be my older brother and he was like No it is you who is getting engaged and that’s when it just felt like someone dropped me off from a million story building and i hit the ground a million times with great pain but no death. My body felt as weak as when i was a baby and sweat run down my body. I left my tea on the ground went into the other room and called my Mum and asked her about it and she confirmed it and said yes we are here to do the engagement and i just cried as loud as i could and everyone was in the room asking if i was ok. I told everyone to leave me alone and even my mum and slept for the next three hours and cried.

Mum walked in sat next tom me and was asking me how i was. I explained everything how i love you and i want you but she was like son this is wayyyy too late for that. This is a pre planed organised event. She was like we named her for you years ago and we also put a ring in her finger. I screamed and was Mum how could you do this without my knowledge? How could you even think about doing such thing and destroying my life for me.  I rejected her decision said I’m not going to marry her what so ever… she started crying and went to other room. The next day in the morning went to talk to her to see her in bed with chest pain and bad condition and she didn’t want to talk to me so the next few hours she got worst we took her to hospital to find out she had a heart attack and was asked to remain in the hospital for the next few days and she didn’t even say a word to me and was in bad condition. In the mean time dad found out the whole story and he was pissed off and got sick too at home with headache and stomach sickness. Life was getting harder with mum in hospital and dad sick at home none of them wanted to talk to me.

I didn’t know how serious the whole thing was but in reality the whole people in Kabul knew about what was going behind the scene that i was getting engaged and the girl was named for me from years ago.

Few days letter mum was still in the hospital and dad was still sick and mum asked me she wanted to talk to me so i went to the hospital sat beside her bed and she was like Rehan all my life i wanted to see that day when you get married and that day is so close and you are saying that you cannot do it. The girl who is going to get engaged is my dad’s sister’s daughter and she passed away a few years ago due to illness but before she died she and my mum and dad made a deal between them for her daughter to get married to my dad’s son who is suppose to be me.

Sahar these whole things were pre planed and I had no idea about it, i was kept in the dark and wasn’t even told a single bit about it till i landed in Afghanistan. I tried every way to try to make mum and dad understand that i love you and i want to marry you Sahar but they are like there is no other way mum and dad says. Either marries the girl who is named for you or you will never talk and we will not go to America and we just eat pills or poison to kill our selves. Sahar i am just lost in this world don’t know what to do. I tried a lot explaining our situation to my mum who is softer than dad but she was like there is no other way Rehan. If you don’t marry her first the whole Kabul meaning relatives are going to talk shit about me and your dad mum said, we won’t be able to live anywhere on this earth due to shame and embarrassments you going to put us through, third me and your dad is going to die here with worry depression and shame.

Sahar now you tell me what to do please. I have no other ways i thought about it days and nights sleepless. I just can’t live without you, praying night and day for god to give me strength to do something about it and give a way out of all these shits. I am living a life in hell at the moment and i know by the time you read this you will too but i love you, will always do no matter what and i promised you that i will come to see you once before i die i will make sure i will fulfil that promise. You always will remain in my heart and my mind no matter what life brings. You will always be the one a true love and lover but i hate my life and how it is going at the moment but i hope and i really do hope that i will end up with you for my entire life hun.

My days and nights been dark and cold the past week or so and i hardly smile anymore but the only smiles comes on face sometimes is when i think about you and when i go through your photos and the memories of long night chat, the arguments, the fights, the mid night love talk and the romantic messages. Every time i think about it, it makes me cry and smile at the same time, sometimes i ask myself if I am really crying or laughing.

Sahar Please help me, I’m losing my mind here. They are talking about engagement and shit. I can’t think straight. I just want to die. I’m just one step close joining the drug addicts of Kabul city to just make sure i die quicker. Why the hell i just didn’t die back in NYC or on board the plane Sahar so i wouldn’t be seeing these days. Why didn’t i just die a few years ago when i was sick and nearly died, why didn’t i just dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee??? LLL

Sahar i don’t know if i will be talking to you again or not, maybe i won’t be around anymore and gone for good, maybe i will just be one of the drug addict of Kabul and next time when you are around you just come check on me and say hello Rehan I am Sahar if you remember. If i still have any memory left maybe i will recognize you and say hi but if not i will just stare at you thinking she must be crazy.

Hun i just want one thing from you but first you have to promise me that you will do it. My life is destroyed and f**ked from top to bottom and from side to side but please you continue the journey without me. You will have to for the sake of our love. Remember once we were talking about if anything happen to one of us the other should continue the story and tell the kids and the world our love story? Well unfortunately that person is me and you are my successor and the person who will have to continue the journey and tell the whole world about our love story and about what a true love is like. Hun i want you to be an example for the rest, i know you will face struggles but i know deep down you are strong enough to face it all, i know you won’t let our love die just like that or i will be really disappointed in you. I want you to write a book and tell the world and change how parents fuck their children’s lives, how parent give birth to a child who’s life will be like hell when they grow up.

Sahar if you continue the journey without me and live your life like a true example you will know that Rehan will be in peace no matter where he is, hell, heaven or Kabul’s gutters. I know it will be hard but i know in my heart you will do it. You have to if our love was true.

Hun i m not going to take your time any longer i will just leave you alone but one more time just letting you know that i love you very much and i will love you and keep you in my heart forever and ever, and that will not change.  But i hate how time at the moment is against us and my love. I hate every second of it to be honest. I wish i could change rewind or fast forward time so i could correct my mistakes and fix any problem and make you mine quicker.

The other day when i talked to you on Face book i really wanted to tell you everything but i just couldn’t do it. I just wanted to talk to you forever. I was scared Sahar, scared of losing you.  Please don’t lose contact with me because you are my heart beat and if I don’t talk to you i will lose everything. I will just die without any pain or cause.

With A lot of LOVE, HUGS and KISSESS

Yours Rehan

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